Monday, July 2, 2012

Chelsea Handler

I tend to go on binges where I just read a lot of books in a very short amount of time, and then obsess over them.

Now is one of those times.

My most recent choice of literature has been the 4 interesting books that were written by my actual mother, Chelsea Handler. The more I read them, the more I am fully convinced that she is my mother and that I was adopted by another set of alcoholic and dysfunctional parents known as my guardians. I hope Chelsea and her clan of evil doers find this blog one day and she reaches out to me, because she would probably be delighted to meet someone that is living her life, just a few years behind her. I think I have my own mother convinced of this too.

There are several reasons as to why I'm sure that we are somehow related. The first being Chelsea's tendency to urinate herself when she laughs too hard. I'm not sure if this is completely true, because I spent 3 of her books thinking they were works of very well-thought out fiction, only to find out that they were probably more true than false. Back to tinkling. I have been known to laugh quite hard. Hard enough that I should buy depends. Only my closest and most dear friends have experienced a full blown pants-wetting on my part, but a piddle here and there is quite frequent and very secretive. The only person I really tell is Burrito (her name has been changed for legal reasons), because her and I share a weird friendship where we bond over such things as urination and weird sexual encounters.

The second reason is our seemingly identical relationship with alcohol. Our only difference being, my poison is rum, not vodka. Vodka and I had a bit of a falling out my freshman year after spring break and formal. To date, it was my 2nd longest lasting relationship, second to the one I currently have with Captain Morgan.

Now, paired with my affinity for embarrassing anyone within arms reach, I'm sure we would be a match made in some weird heaven where strangers could bond over such things. In fact, if I ever landed my dream job at her show, I would initiate a prank war with her. Only because I think I could put up a good fight.

So, there you have it. For obvious reasons, I've decided that illustrating ALL the things we have in common would not only be inappropriate for my blog, but would also probably terrify her if she ever were to read this.

Thus begins the next stepping stone in my life, finding Mom and telling her the great news that she's had a lovely daughter.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

The Pro's and Con's to Having Long Nails

Right now my nails look fabulous. They are finally long and beautiful and currently painted sparkly red. But here is my pro and con list of having long nails.

Pro List
- long nails are pretty and feminine
- people tell you they look nice (sometimes)
- paint looks good on them
- you can use them to peel stickers off fruit, and stuff like that
- you can pinch someone really good
- you can scratch your cat when she scratches you first
- you can pick up small things without actually touching them

Con List
- picking up bobby pins is a hassle
- dirt gets stuck up under there
- texting is challenging (on one of those finger touch only phones that I have)
- exercising is harder too
-I cannot play guitar
-I cannot play guitar
-I cannot play guitar
-I cannot play guitar
-I cannot play guitar
-I cannot play guitar
-I cannot play guitar
-I cannot play guitar

Guess I need to find my clippers.

Friday, December 30, 2011

My Bestest Pal, Kelsey

On the 29th of the month of December of 2011, Kelsey turned the ripe old age of 21! And since she did a wonderful fact-sheet for my birthday, here is the favor returned for her :)

1. Kelsey is hands down the most kind person I have ever met in my whole life. Niceness just oozes out of her ears.
2. We both share a love for the Beatles. And, in fact, we both have the exact same Beatles shirt from Forever 21 that I purchased ever so promptly after seeing it show up in one of her pictures on Facebook.
3.Kelsey lives all the way in Utah, so I don't get to see her as often as I'd like to. If I had things my way, I would just be able to see her at least once a week. However, I didn't get the private jet that I'd asked for for Christmas, so once a year will have to do. Maybe twice this year, though!
4. The plus side of that is, when we see each other, the time is a real gem! Some of my favorite memories from the past few years were visiting her in Utah! The first year, we went bowling, and saw The A-Team (which continues to be one of my favorite movies), and we ate wings and went to Lagoon! And this past year she got married and I even got my picture taken with her.
5. Kelsey goes to the prettiest school in all the world. Utah State University. Which is cool, because my dad sort of went there for a semester or two when he was a young chap. I don't know if she realizes how pretty her school is. However, if she saw my school, she would probably think it's ugly. (No offense, UF, but you have nothing on USU).
6. Kelsey also dresses like a doll. I swear, I have never seen cuter clothes on a person, ever.
7. In the 2nd grade in Mrs. Camp's class, we had to do an assignment where we wrote our favorite color and why. I wrote "I like blue, because the sky is blue," or something of that sort. And all I remember is that Kelsey chose yellow. And I wanted to be just like Kelsey. So I erased blue and wrote yellow. Then it read "I like yellow, because the sky is blue."
8. In the 4th grade I still wanted to be just like Kelsey. So for yearbook photo day, I made sure to pose and smile exactly like her in every photo. (Kelsey, go find that yearbook and look. It's quite amusing).
9. In the 5th grade, Kelsey and I got matched up to be reading buddies. We were smart kids like that, and we had to read A Wrinkle in Time. I remember this because I was finally partnered with my idol. And because everyone was making fun of Josh for having a crush on Kelsey, and I think he was relieved that I was partnered with her, and not him.
10. The first time I went out to visit Idaho after I moved, Kelsey let me stay with her at her apartment, and we did henna tattoos on each other. It was the most fun I'd had doing crafts, I think, ever.
11. One time I asked Kelsey what she wanted to be when she grew up, and she said an anchor woman. Luckily for me, I had just watched Anchorman and we shared a quote or two. It was a magical moment.
12. Kelsey (and Brian) had the most wonderful wedding reception I've ever been to. It was like Willy Wonka meets Cold Stone, it was perfect.
13. We are pen-pals! I've been the worst ever and stopped writing recently, but I promise I'll be good and write!
14. Kelsey ROCKS short hair like nobody I've ever seen. In fact, I want to encourage a mohawk (like Naima from Americas Next Top Model), but that might be too punk-rock.
15. For Christmas, Kelsey send me the most wonderful dream catcher for my bedroom. I hung it right up next to my bed. It is so perfect.
16. She also sent me a bag of caramel apple lollipops, which I have never seen in Florida! I probably mentioned to her one time that I only had them in Idaho.
17. Lastly, she sent me a Utah State t-shirt that I'm wearing this exact moment! I'm going to have to up my gift-giving game to keep up with this one!
18. Kelsey has 2 adorable little sisters that I just fawn over. Once I was driving them home from getting pizza, and I hit a skunk in Jace's car. And from the back seat Chloe squeaked "Oh, I wish I would have seen the skunk before you hit it. I've never seen an alive one before!" It was precious.
19. Her laugh is just wonderful. Contagious, naturally. But its just a good laugh.
20. When Kelsey picked me up from the airport last summer, we went to Salt Lake City and wandered around. And Lexi insisted that we pretend to be a polygamist family. So she called me 'Mom', and Kelsey 'Mother.' Brian was 'Dad' and the waiter was giving us weird looks at the restaurant. It was either that, or the fact that I didn't like fry sauce. But I choose to think it was our weird family.
21. My one dream in life is for Kelsey and Brian to visit me in Florida, because I really want to take them to the Harry Potter theme park, and show them what a REAL roller coaster feels like ;)  (Lagoon is baby stuff!)

(See Kels, told you I was wearing it!)